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Sometimes you feel alone even though you are around people. Everyone looks like a stranger, even your own family. Lots of people to listen to but not anyone who would listen to you (truly). You cry inside your blanket hiding from the world. What are you hiding from? A world that doesn’t even care about your feelings? Nah, you are hiding from the world hurting you even more. People call you their friends but you don’t even know them. Surely they sit along with you at University but does that make them your friends? In reality, he/she is just a stranger to you. Your coping mechanism to survive. A way to show you are doing FINE.
I had a dream once. A dream to live in a place I called Wonderland. A place where no one can hurt me. A place where all the things I love exist. A place I called Japan. Many years ago, when I was in 6th Grade, We went to our Aunt’s house. It was just like any other visit. My dad would be watching the news on TV while my Mother would be talking to my Aunt about clothing or other things that women like. My brother would be laughing and talking with my cousin and my Sister would also be along with them trying to adjust. As usual, I would be sitting at the most random place and talking to myself about what should I be doing. Mostly, I would be sitting along with my Dad trying to understand why he watches pointless news that won’t affect him in any way. It was all going normal, just like any other visit to my Aunt’s house, But I didn’t know that this visit would be becoming the most important event in my life. A visit that will turn my life around completely.
My dad got up and raised the volume of the television so that he could keep listening while he went to the bath. Now, of course, that’s not relevant to my point but something happened when he got up. As soon as he put his hand on the side table as a way to get up, the newspaper lying on the side table fell due to the shock and lay flat on the ground. He didn’t bother picking it up and went to the bath anyway. Now I was sitting there still trying to develop an interest in the news, when I saw this, I instantly got up and started the arrange the newspaper back in symmetry (because I have a weird kind of OCD that things should be in symmetry). As I was arranging it, I came across the Botany section, which showed a huge field of flowers in light pink. To the innocent and pure me at that time, This view shook my heart. It captivated me to a point that I didn’t know that the world existed outside the newspaper. I loved it. I loved everything about it. In no time I finished the entire article which was about Yoshinoyama (Mount Yoshino Japan’s most famous Cherry Blossom field, But it was not enough. I wanted to see more of them. I wanted to know more about them. I was so captivated and focused that my Dad came back sat on the bed, Started watching the news, and told me to get him a glass of water. I was so spellbound by that fascinating view that I didn’t even notice that he was telling me something. It was a perfect world, Just me and the newspaper with the Sakura flowers. Dad got up and had to shake me a bit too by his hand to divert my attention (he didn’t ask me anything about where I was lost).
Well, time went on as it always does, I was in 9th Grade now. The first phase where education gets relatively a bit difficult. Till then I was immersed in Japan and the Japanese culture. I have watched a lot of documentaries and read a lot about their culture till then. Of course, I also did watch a lot of anime and read a lot of manga till this point. 9th Grade was a challenging grade. After my first experience with the Sakura flowers, I made a vow to myself. That I would work hard and go to Japan for high school and I did study hard. No matter if it was day or night, All I did was study. Memorizing those pesky Chemistry formulae or trying to solve those exasperating Physics numerical. My family was against it though. The general idea of me going to Japan. They never liked it and even took the internet and my computer from me once just to keep me away from my addiction, my love, my passion, and my everything (JAPAN). I don’t blame them for it. They had their principles and theories according to which they led their life. I never thought bad of them even now I don’t. In fact, I love them and their innocence. Time came for my exam for 10th Grade and I passed not just with ease but I got a total of 97.47 percentage as total in both 9th and 10th Grade. Was it a win? Did I achieve my goal? Did it change anything? For now, let’s say it didn’t. I was not able to fulfill my dream because of financial issues, As I am not from a well-off family. I was broken, torn into pieces. I did get admission to the best college in my country with a 100 percent scholarship but It was nothing to me. I cried, a lot. Anytime I came across anything related to Japan, I would automatically start to cry. Involuntary tears felt more like Epiphora. Ah! remembering that time still makes my heart warm. College felt dull and mundane. Each moment in college was a big burden on my heart as I thought about where I was supposed to be and where I actually was. I remember once I was walking back from college and two thieves showed up. They told me to give them everything I got. I didn’t mind it much. I took my bag off and gave them. This made them angry because they wanted something expensive. They pointed a gun at me. I didn’t feel scared rather I was infuriated not by the fact that they were pointing their gun at me but by the fact that they tried to scare me. Scare me from life. One of them told me to give them anything expensive that I got, To which I replied:
You can take anything expensive I got right now, but don’t threaten me with that gun. I am not afraid of losing these things. I am not afraid of losing myself either.
My family didn’t care much about those tears. It was not because they didn’t care about me. More like they thought I’d be fine in no time. I didn’t. I felt like yesterday I was flying up in the skies and Today I have fallen into this giant well, where I saw darkness everywhere but then again, even in darkness, there is light. Someone just has to get you out of that well, and someone did. That someone was an angel. An angel that fell from the sky just for me. Just to get me out of that well. To lead me back to
life.
Was it enough? Was it all I needed? No, but Yes.
Arthur Kenway,
12/3/2023
